Category Archives: SAPIOSEXUAL

MY STYLE OF DOMINANCE

One of the things I have learned in the 11 years of being a BDSM practitioner and intimacy coach is that there are many different styles of dominance. If I were to sum up my style of play I would say that I am primarily a psychological dominant who thoroughly enjoys sensory stimulation, attention to detail, playing with fear and trust, intimacy, connection, communication – and also the unspoken dance that occurs while in session.

I have always said and strongly maintain that it is not what you do but how you do it. I recently advised a novice dominant who had purchased an entire set of expensive new toys that, “Someone can have a session full of fancy equipment, but if you’re not psychologically involved it won’t matter. Impact play with nothing more than a kitchen spatula can be hot as fuck if you know how to bring your psychological a-game.”

Although I can role-play scenes that range from age-play/incest to the more “innocent” power exchange of the naughty girlfriend, there is always an underlying thread of integrity that exists while I’m playing. In session, I teach not only the physical aspects of BDSM/submission but also the importance of being present – of being in the body and consciously feeling sensations and staying deeply aware of the unfolding experience. To put it simply, I am a space holder. While BDSM can engage the creative and lighthearted aspects of the mind and body, I tend to approach my sessions with depth, intimacy, and focus. I use the space to explore breath, erotic energy, and intent to connect on a very deep level – in session.

The light side of BDSM is engaging in an experience of pure pleasure, fun, creativity, and release. It is a space where things that are considered taboo can be normalized. It is acceptance and sex-positivity. I love this part of BDSM. I think we need to play more – not less – as we age. BDSM can help us remember what it was like to be imaginative, carefree, and expressive.

Another purpose of BDSM is using it as a tool to work through issues surrounding trust, PTSD/trauma, and attachment wounds (attachment as it is defined here). To put it simply, a relationship with a dominant can help one heal. However, I would not trust any dominant to dive into the depths of the psyche. If you are looking for a healer, you had better make sure the person is well-equiped from either in-depth personal or professional experience/education. To be a survivor of trauma or abuse is not enough – it takes having studied the mind objectively, which isn’t possible unless the person has done some major internal work on BOTH intellectual and emotional fields.

So, yes, my sessions tend to be very involved, regardless of whether or not the intention is to have fun or to heal wounds. I’ve always been a very sensitive being, and I see great strength in sensitivity. The way my mind works is anything buy neurotypical. My brain does bottom-up thinking (specific to general), I think in pictures, notice all details in the environment, and have an uncanny ability to read people. So, it is only natural for me to take a very involved stance with submissives when we are in session. Being sensitive has taught me a lot about boundaries, that’s for sure, which is why I have strict communication policies for outside of session. Basically, I never engage in emotional labour for free.

My focus on substance as opposed to superficiality transfers to the type of clothes I wear for sessions, too. I’m all about CFNM (clothed female, nude male). It is not my style to be naturally preoccupied with the costume and dress-up part of BDSM. Sure, I will occasionally wear wigs and certain fetish items like stockings or boots, but I’m not a costume fetishist by heart. If you haven’t already gathered, my fetishes lie within the mind, body, and emotions, and anything else can just be a distraction. Quite frankly, dressing to be sexy for a sub couldn’t be more counterintuitive to the reason we play. Now, dressing to be comfortable for myself, well, that’s hot to me. Again, this comes down to my philosophy of the psychology mattering much more than anything else. Confidence is sexy.

Anyway, by now you should have an understanding of my innate style as a dominant. I also pride myself on being real. How can I expect you to show up honestly if I’m too scared to do so?

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THE ART OF ROLE-PLAYING – FREE VIDEO CLIP INCLUDED

I was perusing my old videos (I like to make a lot of movies…with consent of course) – and I stumbled across a clip that made me want to write a post on the art of role-playing. Continue reading THE ART OF ROLE-PLAYING – FREE VIDEO CLIP INCLUDED

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NEGOTIATION AND VERBAL COPULATION

Negotiation and Verbal Copulation

Communication Before, During, and After BDSM

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AN INTIMATE JOURNEY

Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 11.37.13 AMPre-session email from a submissive. 
 
“I’ll try very hard to sit on your couch and dispassionately talk about sessions and preferences et. al., but when I think of it that is the part seems like role play.  When I think about connecting with you, two things come to mind.  Talking with you afterwards about who you are now, where you are, glimpses at the back of the painting…

Continue reading AN INTIMATE JOURNEY

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SEX WORK IS REAL

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 1.32.50 PMIt’s time for people to wake up and realize the reality of the sex industry. It’s no new news that prostitution has been around for thousands of years and is often referred to as the oldest profession in the world. I’m not here to argue that case. I’m here to shed light on the billion dollar industry that is sex work. The industry isn’t going to magically disappear just because it makes you cringe or you feel uncomfortable thinking about the supposed lewd actions of people engaging in sex for money. Continue reading SEX WORK IS REAL

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THE ASSERTIVE WOMAN

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The topic of female assertion has been coming up a lot as of late. It would be safe to assume that I do identify as a strong, assertive woman. To some, my dominance – which stereotypically is a masculine trait – is extremely threatening and has provoked the use of labels such as bitchy, scary, or mean. I understand that it may throw a lot of people off when they see such a (mostly) feminine looking woman exhibiting such confidence or assertion, but those people aren’t usually the ones with whom I choose to spend my valuable time. Continue reading THE ASSERTIVE WOMAN

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PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES IN PRO-DOMINATION

Continue reading PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES IN PRO-DOMINATION

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NOSCOSEXUALISM

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So, for years I’ve been calling myself a sapiosexual. A sapiosexual is someone who is attracted to or aroused by intelligence. While I really admire smart people and generally think they’re hot, they can often be arrogant which really turns me off. Also, it’s not like I feel like having sex with someone just because they’re smart. Continue reading NOSCOSEXUALISM

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FUCK SHAME

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Shame is a topic that comes up often in my line of work. In fact, it hasn’t been until very recently that I’ve rejected my own shame in regards to sex and pleasure. I used to take on the shame of my clients – that is, I used to become completely immeshed with them without even knowing it. Now, I have the emotional maturity to separate my emotions from all people I come in contact with, and that enables me to be even more empathetic, offer guidance, and express my needs and desires. Continue reading FUCK SHAME

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