WHAT IS PROFESSIONAL BDSM?

StickyMarch 11, 0020 dommedanielle

What is Professional BDSM?

Professional BDSM is a multi-faceted, ritualistic practice that occurs between consenting adults who wish to act out sexual or non-sexual fantasies that pertain specifically to the exchange of power and trust. BDSM sessions, also called scenes, can include physiological and psychological stimulation, role-play scenarios, costumes, make-believe, and objects that have certain meanings attached to them – otherwise known as fetish objects. All scenes involve a dominant and a submissive, also referred to as a top and a bottom, respectively, and usually involve two people, although scenes with multiple people can also occur. Professional scenes can last anywhere from one hour to multiples of hours or days and include negotiations beforehand to discuss boundaries, limits, safe words, and desires. Sessions should – but do not always – include aftercare. Aftercare is the intentional allotted time that occurs after the scene in order for the dominant to offer comfort, a space to process, and communication to the submissive. Many players consider aftercare to be the most important part of a scene. Most importantly, BDSM scenes are conducted in an environment in which players can allow any emotion to surface without feeling judged or shamed by the external constructs of mainstream society.

There are many different styles of BDSM. The type of play is dependent upon the emotional and physiological awareness of the dominant, his or her expertise, as well as the intentions set for the session – if any have been set at all. There are many practitioners who cater more to physical sensations in a session as opposed to psychological; there are practitioners who focus only on the psychological. My ideal style of play is a holistic approach that incorporates both physiological and psychological stimulation. For me, the exchange of trust and emotional intimacy are paramount. I prefer to use my sessions as safe spaces where people can build relationships, learn to express needs, explore their bodies and minds, learn about shame, and allow fears to exist without fighting, running, or freezing. Fighting, running, or freezing are also responses to trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and it is no mystery to practitioners in the community that BDSM can be used to help people work through PTSD.

Sensation play and sensory deprivation are huge components of BDSM. Some examples of tools that can be used for sensation play are crops, floggers, whips, clothespins, paddles, and neurological tools, such as the infamous Wartenburg wheel – a metal pinwheel with sharp points that spin on an axle, or the violet wand – a handheld device that administers static electricity to skin. Some examples of tools that are used for sensory deprivation are ropes, blindfolds, gags, earplugs, cages, and hoods. Sensation and sensory deprivation have functions in play, and either or both give the dominant more ability control what type of experience the submissive may have.

FORCED FEMINIZATION

MEN WEAR DRESSES WITH DOMME DANIELLE

March 30, 2025 dommedanielle

Let’s get one thing straight — real men, manly men, soft men, bearded me… wear dresses. And not just any dress. We’re talking silky, lacy, scandalously short numbers that hug all the right places and reveal what I want to see. The kind of dresses that make you blush when you catch your reflection in the mirror… and make me grin when you drop to their knees, ready to worship my cock.

Feminization isn’t just about the wardrobe, though. Sure, the transformation starts with slipping into something soft and seductive, but what really excites me is watching you shed your inhibitions, surrender your control, and embrace your inner sissy slut. That’s where the magic happens…in the Dungeon of your Denver Dominatrix.

Becoming My Sissy Slut: More Than Just Looking Pretty

Sure, looking pretty is part of the deal. I enjoy seeing my sissies dolled up, laying on my table, ready to receive. But that’s just the beginning. What I really crave is the transformation that happens underneath all that satin and lace. The look in your eyes…

Being my sissy slut means learning how to please, how to serve, and how to worship like a good little slut. It means trading ego for patience, control for submission, and discovering that true power comes from surrender. You’ll learn quickly that this isn’t just about aesthetics— it’s about feeling good. And nothing feels better than knowing you’re making me happy.

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THE SPECTRUM OF BDSM AS THERAPY

March 27, 2025 dommedanielle

First, it is important to understand that every session is approached differently. The level of therapeutic depth one can achieve is on a spectrum, with lighthearted fun and simple pleasure resting at one end, and the vastness of the shadow waiting at the other. There are no expectations of a session to be anything other than what arises. Unless we have discussed a desired destination, things will unfold in organic perfection.

Second, it is even more important to hire a professional who understands how to work with you on the spectrum of the psyche. The energetical states and psychological experiences will happen either way. Wouldn’t you want someone who can alchemically play with these states when they occur? I would suggest looking for someone who is proficient in this sort of somatic integration, who can also respect the benefit of play for play. Together, we will create space for real exploration – where everything is welcomed and nothing is pushed away…

He told me he’d been wanting to see me for years. However, it just wasn’t the right moment. Neither him nor I felt the urge to analyze the timing. Instead, we rested in the [un]certainty of our shared belief system: that everything happens when and how it should; That are no accidents.

Negotiation is the ethical foundation of the exchange of trust when we play. Sessions are about connection, intuition, and meaning-making by means of meeting someone where they are. He mentioned that he had seen a few other professional dominatrices in Denver before, but there was still something missing.

“It was about the method,” he said. “Too much so.”

That stood out to me. I’ve heard similar things from others—how technique can be fine, but if the energy isn’t right, if the giver isn’t fully present and “checking their own shit,” something will feel off and you might not even know why.

Laughter, Screams, and Tears: What Happens When You are Seen
It started with gleeful giggling. He was full of it. Drunk on dopamine and release through laughter. Yet, as we went deeper, something shifted. The laughter gave way to something raw. He screamed – not from pain, but from catharsis. Then, the tears came. They weren’t tears of sadness. They were something else.

There is a feeling that occurs when we are finally able to stand naked in front of someone without receiving criticism or judgement. That feeling comes about as a result of honoring our truth in front of a compassionate witness. It is a feeling unsurpassed by any other and stems from unconditional acceptance. It works as a tether to help us explore freedom in the face of the unknown.

Integrating This Work into His Healing
He saw the session as more than just an experience – it was a piece of something bigger. He talked about how he wanted to keep exploring this part of himself, not just for the physical release, but as a way to reconnect with the parts of himself he had long forgotten.

To Be Continued…

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WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR SEX

March 21, 2025 dommedanielle

Why Do People Have a Problem Paying for BDSM or other sexual services?

Let’s be honest—sexism and a sex-fearing culture are at the root of why so many people have a problem paying for BDSM or sex work. But the people who refuse to pay? They’re not just hypocrites. They’re blind to the reality of what they’re actually asking for.

You’ll spend $200 on a forgettable night out—bad food, overpriced drinks, and a hangover—but the idea of paying a woman who’s offering you a carefully curated, safe, and transformative experience? Suddenly, your wallet goes missing.

That’s not just cheap. That’s shortsighted.

The Double Standard is Laughable

“Why should I pay for something I can get for free?”

Free where?

Are you getting free trust from a random hookup?
Is free emotional safety part of that quick Tinder match?
Is free expertise coming from someone who doesn’t know the difference between domination and coercion?

Do you actually think your wife gives it you for free?

Spoiler alert: You’re not getting any of that for free. What you’re getting is mediocrity, awkwardness, and a lack of emotional safety. But sure, keep telling yourself you’re saving money.

“It’s just sex. Why pay for it?”

And a fast-food burger is “just food,” but you’re still willing to pay for a five-star dining experience. Why? Because quality matters.

A dominatrix isn’t offering “just sex.” She’s offering:

Expertise in power, intimacy, and trust
Precision in navigating boundaries and desires.
Emotional labor that creates a space where you can explore vulnerability without judgment. And you will. Trust me, you might cry.

If you can’t see the difference between fumbling through a random encounter and experiencing something designed specifically for your desires, you’re missing the point.

You’re Already Paying—You Just Don’t Realize It

Here’s the thing—you’re already paying for sex.

Porn? You’re paying with your time, data, and emotional investment.
OnlyFans? You’re tipping and subscribing to maintain a fantasy.
Buying drinks all night hoping for a hookup? You’re investing time and money with no guaranteed return.

But when it comes to paying a professional who actually knows how to deliver what you’re craving? Suddenly, you’re too broke.

You’re not saving money. You’re just denying yourself the experience you actually want.

A Sex-Fearing Culture Profits Off Desire—But Shames Women Who Do the Same

We live in a culture where sex sells everything—except when women sell it for themselves.

Half-naked models are used to sell burgers.
Sultry voices advertise cologne.
Bare skin is plastered across magazine covers to sell products.

Sex is everywhere—until a woman profits from her own sexuality.

The moment a woman chooses to monetize her erotic expertise, the narrative flips. Suddenly, it’s “immoral.” Suddenly, it’s “wrong.”

That’s not about ethics. That’s about control.

When a woman profits from her own body, her own desires, and her own labor, she controls the narrative. And that terrifies a culture built on keeping women dependent and powerless.

You Want the Fantasy—But You Don’t Want to Pay

That’s not just cheap—it’s disrespectful.

Afraid of a Woman in Control? That’s the Real Issue

Let’s not pretend this isn’t about power.

Paying a dominatrix means admitting that:

She’s in control.
She’s the expert.
You need her guidance.

For some, that’s a hard pill to swallow. Paying a woman who commands authority forces you to confront your own vulnerability—and that’s uncomfortable for men who have been taught they should always be in control.

But here’s the truth: Vulnerability is where real growth happens. And if you’re too afraid to invest in that, you’re not ready for what BDSM or sex work has to offer.

If you can’t handle that truth, maybe you’re not ready for what I have to offer. And that’s fine. But don’t waste my time pretending otherwise.

FORCED FEMINIZATION

RETURNING TO THE THRONE: WHY STEPPING AWAY MADE ME A STRONGER DOMINATRIX

March 20, 2025 dommedanielle

After over a decade of practicing as a professional dominatrix, I took a 4-year sabbatical—a break I didn’t know I needed until I stepped away. Coming back to this world I love has been both exhilarating and humbling. But what no one tells you is how hard it can be to start again after losing momentum.

The Landscape Has Shifted—And So Have I
The scene has changed. The number of mistresses has quadrupled, and rates have doubled. At first glance, the logic seems skewed—how does an oversaturated space drive prices higher? But power dynamics are never simple, are they? What I’ve learned through this transition is that those who stay true to their craft, who understand the nuances of trust, control, and psychological depth, rise to the top. And I’ve never doubted where I stand in that hierarchy.

There’s Strength in Vulnerability
Taking time away gave me perspective. It wasn’t burnout—it was a calling to pause, reflect, and refine my art. I’ve returned with a renewed love for this work, a deeper understanding of the space I hold for my clients, and an unshakable belief in the transformative power of sacred BDSM. But returning after a hiatus comes with its own challenges—rebuilding momentum, re-establishing dominance in a crowded field, and reminding the world who I am. Vulnerability in this space isn’t weakness. It’s the foundation of authentic power.

Gratitude for Those Who Recognize True Mastery
My clients aren’t just participants—they are connoisseurs of the craft. They know that true submission requires trust, precision, and intuition that only comes from years of experience. Their discernment and loyalty aren’t given lightly, and I am endlessly grateful to work with individuals who understand that what I offer isn’t easily replicated. Their continued presence is a testament to the power and authenticity that sets me apart.

Why I’m Here—And Why I’m Better Than Ever
I’m not just back—I’m better. My time away deepened my understanding of the dynamics that drive true submission and control. I’ve honed my intuition, sharpened my instincts, and come back with a fire that only distance can ignite. I’ve always believed that mastery isn’t about technique alone—it’s about presence, connection, and unwavering confidence.

Watch Me Rise—And Reclaim My Domain
This isn’t just a return. It’s a reclamation. I’m not stepping back into this space quietly—I’m here to take my rightful place once more. For those who know where real power lies, you’ll witness firsthand how experience, authenticity, and skill rise above the noise. Watch closely—I’m reclaiming the domain where Kink Encounters thrive, where trust meets transformation, and where I’ve always belonged.

Stay tuned for more reflections, insights, and updates as I navigate this next chapter. Whether you’re an experienced submissive or just beginning to explore, I’m here to guide you deeper.

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING DENVER, BDSM COACH DENVER, BDSM RELATIONSHIP COACH COLORADO, BDSM SPECIALIST, COLORADO BDSM, COLORADO BDSM SPECIALIST, COLORADO FETISH SPECIALIST, COLORADO KINK, COLORADO LIFESTYLE COACH, colorado professional domination, DENVER BDSM, DENVER BDSM SPECIALIST, DENVER BONDAGE, DENVER CROSS DRESSERS, DENVER DOMINATRIX, DENVER FETISH SPECIALIST, DENVER FETISHES, DENVER KINK, DENVER MISTRESS, DENVER MISTRESSES, DENVER SEX THERAPY, DISTANCE DOMINATION, DOMINANCE, DOMINANCE COACH DENVER, DOMINATRIX DENVER, DS RELATIONSHIP COACH DENVER, DS RELATIONSHIPS, FEMME DOMME, FEMME DOMME DENVER, FEMME DOMME USA, FETISH SPECIALIST COLORADO, FORCED FEMINIZATION, INTIMACY COACH DENVER, INTIMACY SURROGATE DENVER, PRO DOMME COLORADO, PRO DOMME DENVER, PRODOMME, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATION, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATION USA, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX COLORADO, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX DENVER, PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX USA, PTSD SEX COACH DENVER, SAPIOSEXUAL, SENSORY DEPRIVATION, SENSUAL DOMINATION, SEX COACHING COLORADO, SEX COACHING DENVER, SEX THERAPIST COLORADO, UNITED STATES DOMINATRIX, USA BDSM SESSIONS, USA DOMINATRIX, USA MISTRESS

MY STYLE OF DOMINANCE

March 16, 2025 dommedanielle

One of the things I have learned in the 11 years of being a BDSM practitioner and intimacy coach is that there are many different styles of dominance. If I were to sum up my style of play I would say that I am primarily a psychological dominant who thoroughly enjoys sensory stimulation, attention to detail, playing with fear and trust, intimacy, connection, communication – and also the unspoken dance that occurs while in session.

I have always said and strongly maintain that it is not what you do but how you do it. I recently advised a novice dominant who had purchased an entire set of expensive new toys that, “Someone can have a session full of fancy equipment, but if you’re not psychologically involved it won’t matter. Impact play with nothing more than a kitchen spatula can be hot as fuck if you know how to bring your psychological a-game.”

Although I can role-play scenes that range from age-play/incest to the more “innocent” power exchange of the naughty girlfriend, there is always an underlying thread of integrity that exists while I’m playing. In session, I teach not only the physical aspects of BDSM/submission but also the importance of being present – of being in the body and consciously feeling sensations and staying deeply aware of the unfolding experience. To put it simply, I am a space holder. While BDSM can engage the creative and lighthearted aspects of the mind and body, I tend to approach my sessions with depth, intimacy, and focus. I use the space to explore breath, erotic energy, and intent to connect on a very deep level – in session.

The light side of BDSM is engaging in an experience of pure pleasure, fun, creativity, and release. It is a space where things that are considered taboo can be normalized. It is acceptance and sex-positivity. I love this part of BDSM. I think we need to play more – not less – as we age. BDSM can help us remember what it was like to be imaginative, carefree, and expressive.

Another purpose of BDSM is using it as a tool to work through issues surrounding trust, PTSD/trauma, and attachment wounds (attachment as it is defined here). To put it simply, a relationship with a dominant can help one heal. However, I would not trust any dominant to dive into the depths of the psyche. If you are looking for a healer, you had better make sure the person is well-equiped from either in-depth personal or professional experience/education. To be a survivor of trauma or abuse is not enough – it takes having studied the mind objectively, which isn’t possible unless the person has done some major internal work on BOTH intellectual and emotional fields.

So, yes, my sessions tend to be very involved, regardless of whether or not the intention is to have fun or to heal wounds. I’ve always been a very sensitive being, and I see great strength in sensitivity. The way my mind works is anything buy neurotypical. My brain does bottom-up thinking (specific to general), I think in pictures, notice all details in the environment, and have an uncanny ability to read people. So, it is only natural for me to take a very involved stance with submissives when we are in session. Being sensitive has taught me a lot about boundaries, that’s for sure, which is why I have strict communication policies for outside of session. Basically, I never engage in emotional labour for free.

My focus on substance as opposed to superficiality transfers to the type of clothes I wear for sessions, too. I’m all about CFNM (clothed female, nude male). It is not my style to be naturally preoccupied with the costume and dress-up part of BDSM. Sure, I will occasionally wear wigs and certain fetish items like stockings or boots, but I’m not a costume fetishist by heart. If you haven’t already gathered, my fetishes lie within the mind, body, and emotions, and anything else can just be a distraction. Quite frankly, dressing to be sexy for a sub couldn’t be more counterintuitive to the reason we play. Now, dressing to be comfortable for myself, well, that’s hot to me. Again, this comes down to my philosophy of the psychology mattering much more than anything else. Confidence is sexy.

Anyway, by now you should have an understanding of my innate style as a dominant. I also pride myself on being real. How can I expect you to show up honestly if I’m too scared to do so?

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THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PAIN AND LOVE

February 14, 2025 dommedanielle

My motivation to write an article on the dichotomous relationship between love and pain lies heavily on the most common complaint I hear from couples I coach outside of the BDSM world. The most common complaint I hear is that most of my clients experience an inability to connect with friends, family, or lovers – sometimes even pets. It presents as an inability to connect, to be vulnerable, and to experience empathy. I’m not talking about superficial connection that revolves around pleasantries, and I’m not talking about not being able to do activities with others. What I’m talking about is the connection that is often called “intimacy,” the connection that makes us feel safe, can make us feel comfortable sharing our bodies with others, and the connection that is a result of feeling seen, heard, and respected in our experiences. Continue reading THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PAIN AND LOVE →

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DENVER DOMINATRIX POOL PARTY!

March 2, 2020 dommedanielle

I had the most wonderful time with my slut today. We celebrated her birthday, and I dressed her up like my perfect little fuck doll. For her birthday I got her a few things, but the most important thing that I got her was a swimsuit because she had never had a pool party as her new self, Cici.

Cici has been emerging over the past years in and out of our sessions. It is been quite an honor to watch the transformation of gender and sexuality with someone I now call a close friend.

I love making people feel special, but more than anything I love to help others express themselves. It touches a special place in my heart to help others liberate themselves and find freedom in whichever way they desire. Of course, liberation does not have to include gender play, but in this case it did.

I made sure everything was perfect by decorating the dungeon, having snacks, drinks, and of course, a cake.

The earlier part of the afternoon was spent in the pool before we transitioned into the cool red light of the dungeon. Cici has learned, overtime, how to be a good girl and how to please this Denver Dominatrix.

Let’s just say that I’m sure all of her birthday wishes – and mine – were answered. Thank you for the amazing day, Cici.

*Denver Dominatrix, ProDomme Denver, Denver Mistress, Femme Domme Denver*

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YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR SLAVE

October 6, 2019 dommedanielle

Being a Dominatrix comes with great responsibility. Creating a sacred sexual space comes with ethical obligations.

Occasionally, like everyone, I have bad days. When I share this with others I am often told, “You can take it out on your slave.”

To put it simply, there is NO WAY that I – or anyone else – should ever take a bad day out on a slave – with one exception.

The exception is to obtain consent so that both parties are clear on the intention of play.

My background in psychotherapy and my knowledge of countertransference guide my ethical compass. I also am well-informed on emotional entanglement vs. healthy relationships.

Even if I mask what is going on, my slave/bottom/sub will feel it on an energetic level. To think of other providers who use others to meet their needs for emotional enmeshment or codependency is of great concern to me. In that situation, no one gets better.

I am not saying that I put my emotional needs to the side forever. If I am upset and have a booking, I simply reassure myself that I will revisit the issue once the session has finished. This helps me be present for myself and for my submissive while we play.

I am always available to consult with other providers to help them find ways to be most effective when holding space. If you are a slave and you are concerned about the way your Mistress takes things out on you, book a consult and we can discuss ways for you to navigate the situation. https://kinkencounters.com/online-bdsm-sessions-distance-dominance/

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NEUROLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL IMPACTS OF BDSM

April 17, 2019 dommedanielle

BY DOMME DANIELLE

The release of endorphins is the crux of the physiological aspect of BDSM. Endorphins are neurotransmitters that are responsible for nearly all of our physiological and emotional experiences. Our bodies release neurotransmitters all day, but certain activities cause fluctuations that can put us either above or below baseline. Fluctuations in neurotransmitters cause fluctuations in emotions. Without neurotransmitters, we would not eat, sleep, have sex, be motivated, experience emotions, or form human connections, among many other things. To put it simply, pain administered during BDSM sessions causes a response just as pleasure does. It has also been shown that the anticipation of reward and punishment causes a surge of endorphins.^[1]Endorphins are also released as a result of the emotional attachment and chemical bond that that occurs between the dominant and the submissive.

When the body experiences pain, chemicals such as serotonin, noradrenaline, and endogenous opioids are released.^[2]This rush of endorphins causes feelings of euphoria, elation, and pleasure – or what some might refer to as feeling high. The main neurotransmitter responsible for getting people high is dopamine. Units of dopamine are released during certain activities, with the normal baseline being around 100 units. Sex causes an increase to 200 units; nicotine, 225; morphine, 200; cocaine, 350; and methamphetamines 1,000.^[3]

Sub-space is a neurological experience that occurs as a result of the activities in a session. It is the feeling of relaxation, euphoria, and sedation as a result of the flood of endorphins. A similar example would be the feeling a runner gets after he or she has gone on a run. Many submissives engage in play specifically to enter sub-space, and some submissives are unsure as to whether or not they have ever experienced it. Some submissives regard the flood of endorphins as magical or spiritual. Either way, after a session it is important to make sure everyone is safe. A big part responsibility of the dominant is to keep the submissive alive.

A similar experience had by dominants is called top-drop. Top-drop is the crash or fatigue that occurs after an intense psychological or physical scene. For me, top-drop is rarely an occurrence anymore. However, if I have not been playing that often, when I do, I can feel very tired afterward. Dominants need to take care of themselves just as much as submissives do. Having plenty of snacks and water post-play is mandatory.

BDSM practitioners and submissives often form very deep and intense bonds. These bonds occur due to the exchange of trust, love, emotional intimacy, and touch. Oxytocin is the primary neurotransmitter that is responsible for the physiological aspect of connection. It is a hormone that is involved in childbirth and breast-feeding. It is also associated with empathy, trust, sexual activity, and building relationships.^[4]

It is entirely possible for BDSM sessions to be cold and disconnected, depending on the players involved and the capacity for each person to access vulnerability. However, due to the fact that I have worked on my attachment trauma from early childhood and have maintained that emotional intimacy be paramount in my professional and personal relationships, it is rare for me to have a disconnected scene. Throughout my career, I have received feedback that clients’ experiences with me have been warmer than their experiences with other providers. Perhaps, it is my desire for emotionally intimacy – or oxytocin – that is to blame.

The relationships formed between dominants and submissives are often long-term, stable, and predictable. They can provide opportunities to deconstruct societal gender expectations surrounding sex and also to teach about boundaries, consent, and communication. More specifically, they can be part of the journey in healing attachment wounds. Attachment disruption occurs in early childhood and is the result of neglect or abuse from our primary attachment figures. When we choose partners as adults, they then become our primary attachment figures, and that is when our childhood wounds tend to surface. These wounds can manifest as being overly attached, codependent, and enmeshed – and they can manifest as avoidance to intimacy, detachment, or ambivalence. Generally, attachment wounds include an inability to express needs and desires, poor self-worth, and a lack of communication skills.

Communication is imperative for creating and maintaining trust in intimate relationships. This probably more true of Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships. By using D/s relationships to teach or encourage communication, clients can learn to trust and to express their needs. Most importantly, they are taught that as long as they respect the strict boundaries of the dominant, they will not be abandoned, shamed, or rejected for being vulnerable. The absence of shame when responding to the emotional expressions of men is crucial when healing the wounds of patriarchy.

What follows is an account from one of my clients who I met four years ago. I saw him about once a month to every three months up until a year and a half ago. At that point, scheduling conflicts and distance prevented ongoing sessions. My prompt to him was to share his positive and negative experiences with BDSM. The reason that certain words are capitalized when they otherwise would not be is because with D/s protocol, capitalizing words that denote power is seen as a sign of respect. Many submissives derive pleasure from these rules of engagement.

My background was kind of emotionally troubled, which led to my inability to be truly open with myself or other people. It also led to alcoholism and drug addiction. I always had fantasies about being totally dominated and punished and being forced to do sexual things. The problem was that I was unable to allow myself to being vulnerable. After getting clean from my addictions, and working on the inside of my head, I became able and trusting enough to act on my long-held secret fantasies of being dominated by a Mistress.

After beginning my journey with a professional guide, I learned very quickly that BDSM is 90 percent psychological, and 10 percent physical. This is how I kind of break it down anyway. It was a real eye opener for me. The psychological aspect is definitely a key to the outcome. I consider it one of many triggers to be used to drive me, the submissive, deeper into my own psyche. I have discovered that the mind is hands down, by far, the most powerful sexual organ that I have.

When I am led through a BDSM Journey at the able hand of my Mistress, if I allow myself to become completely vulnerable and open, the results are astounding. By getting pushed so deep into my own mind, with the physical torment as part of the driving factor, it is spiritually, and emotionally cleansing for me.

I was raised with a very religious background, which I believe contributed to much of my emotional and addiction issues. I hated myself and was incapable of allowing anybody to get close to me. I believe that allowing myself to be dominated physically, psychologically, and emotionally has been incredibly healthy and helpful to me. I like myself and other people for who they are today. I am capable of being vulnerable in all aspects of my life. I don’t have to try and control everything around me anymore. I understand, respect, and am tolerant of other beliefs and lifestyles. I am truly comfortable in my own skin. This is a huge step from where my addictive mind was before. I can attest that BDSM, if used correctly and professionally, can be therapeutic.^[5]

In the following account, we learn about a different BDSM experience. This person came to me after he became aware that his wife had an affair. I think it would be fair to say that he wanted revenge. I had approximately six sessions with him over the span of a year and a half. One of the things he requested happen during the session was to be humiliated and degraded for having, what he deemed, perverse desires. This was not something I was willing to entertain. I prefer to use my sessions to build sex-positivity. However, as a compromise, I punished him for wanting to be shamed.

These days, I feel that BDSM blessed and cursed my life, alternately and concurrently. It was therapy, and I didn’t even know it. Physically, BDSM fulfilled fantasies and a desire for extreme sensations, many of which I could not do with my partner because they made her extremely uncomfortable. I think this gets confusing because it does not necessarily have to do with release (or orgasm).

Emotionally, it gave me what I think was an appropriate and safe venue to explore shame, fear, and anger, as it related to my childhood and religious upbringing. I also did not know that I was looking for that safe place at the beginning. I know it did help me to cope with the anger, sense of loss, and jealousy that arose upon the discovery of my wife’s affair. At that point, I also believe it saved my life, because I’d become depressed and was having suicidal thoughts. My experience with BDSM is that it supplies a surprisingly arena for self-awareness to go as deep as you care to go into your emotions.

However, as someone who suffers from low self esteem, I also discovered that I could use BDSM to reinforce negative opinions of myself. This wasn’t the case in the beginning, as it felt incredibly freeing. On the up side, it was through BDSM that I discovered I was tearing down self-esteem every day without realizing it – kind of practicing self-assassination.

Spiritually, the jury is still out. There are symbols and roles that I accept as being artistically and spiritually significant to me in BDSM. I believe that BDSM connects and dovetails with Christianity, and that it has expanded my awareness of spiritual relationships, but what it means is currently shifting. I think about that all the time.

Finally, politically, being a BDSM client is not comfortable for me right now. You, Nicole, made me aware of the fact that the fantasy of female domination is predicated on a belief that women are inferior, and that it hinges on privilege. I find that repugnant, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot; about underlying assumptions that are unhealthy and not at all useful. What BDSM did for me was open my mind. At least, I hope it has.^[6]

Although the psychological aspects of BDSM are monumental, sensation play also possesses its own unique set of purposes. One example is how sensations can be used as a pivoting point for working with painful emotions. Primarily, this occurs by bringing people to heightened emotional or physical states and then mindfully working with the responses to such states. This is an effective manner in which to reveal habitual tendencies to stimuli and to increases awareness surrounding reactions to pain or pleasure. By providing stimuli to submissives and instructing them to maintain relaxed and receptive states, they can learn that expectations, tightening, and fear can actually cause a magnified response to stimuli.

Sensation play can also be used as an opportunity to teach about impermanence and emotional acceptance. When stimuli are given in a controlled manner, submissives learn that physical or emotional sensations are temporary and about the dichotomous relationship between pain and pleasure. When submissives are given permission, encouraged, or even instructed to allow emotions to arise as a result of sensation, they are able to learn emotional intelligence and acceptance. Personally, I use sensations to challenge my clients – who are primarily male – to get to a space where they feel emotion. In a session, men are given permission to feel anything, and that is part of the healing process.

^[1]Charles Adams, Grace M. Fong, Daniel Hommer, Brian Knutson, “Anticipation of Increasing Monetary Reward Selectively Recruits Nucleus Accumbens,” The Journal of Neuroscience, No. 21 (2001): 2. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/ef88/c4889561a36202297c9ff792925b2342baa3.pdf?_ga=2.78573907.655450162.1543366100-353552470.1543366100.

^[2]Armando Hasudungan, “PAIN! Physiology – The Ascending Pathway, Descending Pain Pathway and the Substantia Gelatinosa,” YouTube Video, posted by “Armando Hasudungan,” April 16, 2018, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c8maFAhqIc&t=264s.

^[3]Chiara, Effects of Drugs on Dopamine Release, 1988, http://www.supajam.com/news/story/Levels-of-dopamine-that-you-get-from-food-sex-and-drugs-compared.

^[4]Markus MacGill, “What is the Link Between Love and Oxytocin,” Medical News Today, September 4 2017, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.php

^[5]BDSM Client 1, email message to author, November 26, 2018.

^[6]Client 2, email message to author, November 28, 2018.

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JUNE BIRTHDAY WISH

May 19, 2018 dommedanielle

Hey guys! Just a post to let you know that your Denver BDSM coach is having a birthday in June! You all know how much I love to be active, and so this year I’m asking for donations for a new bike! Of course, you can always check my wishlist for other gifts I desire.

So, here’s the beauty I want. I don’t need any accessories. Email me to inquire about how to send donations! Please do not purchase the bike because chances are, I’ll end up with more than one.

Thanks in advance! Xoxoxo