Beauty in the Rays
I’d like to be able to say that a job like this will grant you freedom, but I want to tell you the truth. The only way you can be free in this line of work is by not doing it. It’s true that you won’t have to go somewhere to clock in for eight hours, but you definitely won’t be free. You’ll be able to work while you’re out with your friends or while you shop for groceries. When summer brings heat you will be able to take your phone to the pool to wait for calls, but you will hesitate getting in the water because it might mess up your hair, and you have an image to maintain. You’ll have your bag of “tricks” in the back of your car at all times, just in case. Double-checking the contents could become an obsessive habit because it only takes once to learn there’s nothing worse than being in a call only to realize you left your lube at home.
If you’re lucky you might be able to stay away from the drugs or liquor, but you’ll use something else to help you play the part. There will be some activity, some form of release – maybe even a healthy one – that will help you deal with the negative effects this work will have on your soul. You’ll have to have something.
Perhaps your release will be yoga. In class, you’ll find yourself in the studio staring at the other practitioners. You’ll wonder what they would say if they knew that just an hour prior you were paid to fuck some guy in the ass with a strap-on. You’ll wonder how friendly they would be if they knew the truth. As you stare at your face in the mirror in the studio you will notice it resembles someone else’s because of the makeup you never used to wear. Nevertheless, you’ll try to find your center through inhales and exhales, but as you press back into downward facing dog you won’t be able to get the face of your last client out of your head. His name won’t be important. You probably won’t even be able to remember it. What you will remember is rubbing your foot on his cock and how he said, “That feels good, baby,” and how you knew he called you baby because he forgot your name. These types of flashbacks might bother you at first, but if you’re going to be doing this kind of work, you’d better get used to it, because client flashbacks will be common.
This job will either make you or break you, and if it doesn’t break you then you will get very good at it. It won’t come easy at first, but you will master the art of reading people. You will be a salesperson, and whether or not the clients decide to book will depends on the initial telephone contact. You will pay such close attention to the tones of their voices that you will be able to tell if they are scared, lonely, horny, or new at this game. When you come in their houses you will study everything . You will learn about them from the pictures on their walls, their wedding rings, the cleanliness and texture of their hands, and whether or not they are able to look you in the eyes when you speak to them. It is also important to ask if they have children because, chances are, if they have a daughter they will respect you more.
Get used to people telling you what you should do with your body. There will be men that tell you that you have too many tattoos, that your hair should be longer, that you should kiss them, should fuck them, should like it doggie-style, or that you should let them eat your pussy, because, “It will feel so, so good.”
On the other hand you will have people who worship everything about you. They will tell you that your tattoos are beautiful, that your hair is the perfect length, and that you have the best body they have ever seen in their entire lives. They will tell you that you are kind, smart, and sincere. When they tell you that you are sincere you will know that you are doing your job well, because you have convinced them.
“You’re so sincere,” will be one of the best compliments you will receive, not because it’s true but because it means that you are in fact just the opposite: extremely good at telling people what they want to hear, which is exactly what they pay you for.
You’ll have to make the clients like you so they don’t get furious when you tell them that an “intimate encounter” does not mean sex. This is actually not that difficult. Even though you will forget their names when the time is up, make sure you address them by their name when you are in the call, falsifying the “intimate encounter.” It will make them feel important and it will also let them know you’ll remember them no matter what happens, Touch them softly and smile. Slide your fingers up and down their arms, along their fingertips. Make them see you as a person, not just an object. Find something that you have in common with them, or make something up. Also, don’t forget to compliment each one on how unique and different he is compared to the clients you’re used to seeing. Also, make sure you do this without using the word, “client.” Most clients don’t want to be thought of as customers. Your intuition will tell you when something isn’t right. Listen to it. It could save your life.
At first you won’t be aware of the sexual energy your body will begin to exude. This will soon be brought to your attention by the increasing amount of looks and comments you’ll receive from strangers. You’ll try to smile politely but it will only be a matter of time before you start rolling your eyes and shaking your head. You’ll get tired of being objectified, and it won’t be long before you’ll hold back screams each time a man looks at you with that familiar look of hunger you know all too well. You won’t scream, though, because that would be out of character, and even though you’re not on the clock, the job follows you home. You’ll build your walls to protect yourself from these strangers. You’ll try to avoid eye contact with people you pass on the street. You might miss the occasional genuine connection, but you’ll have to protect yourself.
There will be clients that you connect with, and although this may seem harmless, it will only confuse you. You’ll need to disassociate from clients as much as possible in order to maintain financial productivity. Remember to never meet a client outside of a session, or in other words, for free. You will find many men who’ll tell you anything you want to hear. They will tell you they love you and that you’re different. This is where it’s important to remember that they can’t be trusted and they only truth you know will be your own
Then of course, there is the money. The reason. You will be introduced to people who think money will get them whatever they want in life, but you will be smart enough to know that isn’t true because the money will not make you happy. People will think they own you, and to a certain extent they will, for an hour at least. They will buy your touches, your mind. They will buy your ears so they can talk for hours about their lousy ex-wives and their successful businesses. They will tell you how they rent entire islands for the weekend so they can host business conferences for CEOs. They will show you their jeeps, boats, and big screen TVs. You will enjoy filet mignon dinners with them, and they will order bottles of wine that cost at least two hundred dollars. At first, this will be a wonderful perk of the job, but no matter how expensive the wine is or how tender that piece of meat is when you cut into it, you’ll see that everything will start to taste the same. In all of the abundance, one thing will be crystal clear: how lonely your clients truly are. You’ll see that the ones with the biggest houses are the ones that call the most because their money will not take away the emptiness they feel deep inside.
You may try to maintain a boyfriend while you do this work. Maybe he’ll be strong enough to deal with the stress this job gives you, but it’s more probable that he won’t. Even if he’s centered enough to endure your neuroses, the job will eventually takes its toll on his soul, too. Client flashbacks will make intimacy very difficult, if not impossible, for you. You’ll begin to question the ulterior motives of men – even the one you call your boyfriend. It won’t matter how sweet he is, because your thoughts will be so convoluted with the work, that reality and fantasy will overlap. You’ll find you shut down and disassociate when he touches you in a way similar to that of a client, and he won’t even know how you feel because you’ll bite your tongue and surrender to his caresses because, well, why wouldn’t you? He’s your boyfriend. If you can manage to hang on to him you will, because this work will leave you lonely, and sometimes you’ll want to be held by someone who knows your real name.
You will find it hard to make commitments with your friends because you will be on-call. On the days when you do make plans, your phone will ring even more. Then on the days that you set aside for work, the phone will be silent. Your friends will get annoyed with you for having to leave all the time, and even though they’ll say it doesn’t bother them, they will eventually grow to resent you.
At first, you will lie to people about your work. You’ll worry about their judgments and being called a whore or a prostitute. Some people will call you these things, but others will stick by your side. Once you get comfortable with being in this business, you won’t want to lie to people. In fact, you have to be careful because you will be so comfortable with your job that you will feel it’s appropriate to tell anyone who asks. Beware, because no matter how long you have known someone, you can never be prepared for how they will react when you tell the truth. Doing a job that society deems as unacceptable will reveal true friends in less than thirty days. It’s guaranteed.
It will be in your best interest to be selfish. You’ll want to take as much time as you can for self-care. Treat yourself to a massage, spend time going on long walks, go away for the night and stay in a hotel. You don’t have to live lavishly or buy expensive things. In fact, it will be in your best interest if you don’t adjust your lifestyle to the money. You won’t want to feel trapped to keep doing something you may only be able to do for a short time.
It is a good idea for you to have a reason you are doing this type of work. No one can just do it to make a living. It is a dead end road, and if you don’t have a bigger goal that you’re working toward, you will be miserable. Whatever your passion, remember it and repeat it to yourself often. Think about your goals as you drive to appointments, when you sit at home and wait for the phone to ring, and when you have no one to spend the evening with because all your friends have learned that you have nothing left to give to them.
You’ll get used to keeping odd hours. At first it will take some time to adjust to the late nights, but after a while you’ll get used to it. There will be many times when you’ll grab your morning coffee in the evening, and you’ll remember what coffee shops stay open the latest, or even twenty-four hours a day. There will be some good things to being one of the few on the road in the early morning hours. One, there will be little to no traffic. You’ll be amazed at how fast you can get around town when the freeways are clear and the majority of the people are asleep. On rare occasions – but not too rare – you will be awake to see the sun come up. This is why it will be important to keep sunglasses in your car. There’s nothing worse than bright light in your face when you haven’t slept yet. The tired first signs of day won’t be so harsh if you try to see beauty in the rays. You will be tired more days than not, but you will get used to this too, and you’ll make up for sleep when you can, because that’s all you can do. Just try to see the beauty in the rays.