Shame is a topic that comes up often in my line of work. In fact, it hasn’t been until very recently that I’ve rejected my own shame in regards to sex and pleasure. I used to take on the shame of my clients – that is, I used to become completely immeshed with them without even knowing it. Now, I have the emotional maturity to separate my emotions from all people I come in contact with, and that enables me to be even more empathetic, offer guidance, and express my needs and desires.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a common source for the root of shame: societal oppressions such as gender socialization, and religion. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I was raised in the Catholic/Protestant/Lutheran church, and now live with a tremendous amount of guilt in regards to feeling pleasure.” Not only do I hear that often but due to my Catholic upbringing, I can relate.
So, like I said before, it hasn’t been until very recently that I’ve rejected my own shame. Yes, I used to feel guilty after orgasm. How horrible! So, what changed? My mind, my perception, and my relation to pleasure, for one. In fact, I am proud to say that I’ve finally become the self-proclaimed indulgent heathen I’ve always wanted to be! The rejection of shame didn’t come until I fully believed that I deserved and was worthy of feeling pleasure. Daily mantras and positive mental reinforcement after orgasms helped a lot.
Just yesterday I was at a family function, and when I had to leave to “go to work,” my grandpa asked me what “work” was these days. I responded unapologetically with, “I’m still a Professional Dominatrix.” Immediately, my uncle shot me the most shame-filled look and shook his head disapprovingly. I immediately felt guilty, but instead of reacting, I simply sat with the guilt. It wasn’t until a couple of hours had passed that I realized that the shame-filled look he shot me was merely a representation of HIS sex-shame and NOT mine. I quickly came to the truth, which is that it is not my responsibility to take on the shame of others simply because they lack the emotional maturity to express their discomfort around the topic of sex or sex work. That shame is theirs, and they can keep it! My only job is to live in integrity while continuing to be a pioneer for those in my field. I refuse to live in hiding or shame for something I do not feel is immoral or wrong according to my personal moral barometer.
One of my primary roles as a Professional Dominatrix is to help my clients re-think all the oppression and limitations that have been placed on them – either from religion, society, or upbringing. Some might call this a daunting task, but to me it is necessary. Sometimes my clients want me to punish them for their fetishes or kinks. That I will not do. Instead I will punish them for continuing to live by the small-minded standard that something is wrong with them for having “odd” desires, fantasies, or kinks.
Don’t be surprised if I make you say, “fuck shame,” in one of our sessions. Believe me, it will feel amazing, and it just might be the introduction to a brand new way of viewing things…