Category Archives: COLORADO LIFESTYLE COACH

MY STYLE OF DOMINANCE

One of the things I have learned in the 11 years of being a BDSM practitioner and intimacy coach is that there are many different styles of dominance. If I were to sum up my style of play I would say that I am primarily a psychological dominant who thoroughly enjoys sensory stimulation, attention to detail, playing with fear and trust, intimacy, connection, communication – and also the unspoken dance that occurs while in session.

I have always said and strongly maintain that it is not what you do but how you do it. I recently advised a novice dominant who had purchased an entire set of expensive new toys that, “Someone can have a session full of fancy equipment, but if you’re not psychologically involved it won’t matter. Impact play with nothing more than a kitchen spatula can be hot as fuck if you know how to bring your psychological a-game.”

Although I can role-play scenes that range from age-play/incest to the more “innocent” power exchange of the naughty girlfriend, there is always an underlying thread of integrity that exists while I’m playing. In session, I teach not only the physical aspects of BDSM/submission but also the importance of being present – of being in the body and consciously feeling sensations and staying deeply aware of the unfolding experience. To put it simply, I am a space holder. While BDSM can engage the creative and lighthearted aspects of the mind and body, I tend to approach my sessions with depth, intimacy, and focus. I use the space to explore breath, erotic energy, and intent to connect on a very deep level – in session.

The light side of BDSM is engaging in an experience of pure pleasure, fun, creativity, and release. It is a space where things that are considered taboo can be normalized. It is acceptance and sex-positivity. I love this part of BDSM. I think we need to play more – not less – as we age. BDSM can help us remember what it was like to be imaginative, carefree, and expressive.

Another purpose of BDSM is using it as a tool to work through issues surrounding trust, PTSD/trauma, and attachment wounds (attachment as it is defined here). To put it simply, a relationship with a dominant can help one heal. However, I would not trust any dominant to dive into the depths of the psyche. If you are looking for a healer, you had better make sure the person is well-equiped from either in-depth personal or professional experience/education. To be a survivor of trauma or abuse is not enough – it takes having studied the mind objectively, which isn’t possible unless the person has done some major internal work on BOTH intellectual and emotional fields.

So, yes, my sessions tend to be very involved, regardless of whether or not the intention is to have fun or to heal wounds. This is probably due to me having high functioning Aspergers and being a very sensitive human. The way my mind works is anything buy neurotypical. My brain does bottom-up thinking (specific to general), I think in pictures, notice all details in the environment, and have an uncanny ability to read people. I am also extremely sensitive, have dreams that come true, and the occasional premonition and moment of clairvoyance. So, it is only natural for me to take a very involved stance with my clients when we are in session. Being sensitive has taught me a lot about boundaries, that’s for sure, which is why I have strict communication policies for outside of session. Basically, I do not engage in emotional labour for free.

My focus on substance as opposed to superficiality transfers to the type of clothes I wear for sessions, too. It is not my style to be naturally preoccupied with the costume and dress-up part of BDSM. Sure, I will occasionally wear wigs and certain fetish items like stockings or boots, but I’m not a costume fetishist by heart. If you haven’t already gathered, my fetishes lie within the mind, body, and emotions, and anything else can just be a distraction. Quite frankly, dressing to be sexy for a sub couldn’t be more boring. Now, dressing to be comfortable for myself by wearing little to nothing or just a bra and panties, well, that’s hot to me. Again, this comes down to my philosophy of the psychology mattering much more than anything else. Confidence is sexy. Oh, and I don’t like latex. I can’t tell you the last time I wore it. It’s uncomfortable, so no thanks. I’d rather not be a cesspool of sweat and bacteria in an article of clothing that is a pain in the ass to get on and off. Things tend to get messy enough as is…

Anyway, by now you should have an understanding of my innate style as a dominant. I also pride myself on being real. How can I expect you all to show up honestly if I’m too scared to do so? I prefer not to hide behind the role of dominatrix and rather simply show up as myself – naturally assertive, sadistic, caring, and possessing skill of dominance and healing.

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THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PAIN AND LOVE

My motivation to write an article on the dichotomous relationship between love and pain lies heavily on the most common complaint I hear from couples I coach outside of the BDSM world.  The most common complaint I hear is that most of my clients experience an inability to connect with friends, family, or lovers – sometimes even pets. It presents as an inability to connect, to be vulnerable, and to experience empathy. I’m not talking about superficial connection that revolves around pleasantries, and I’m not talking about not being able to do activities with others. What I’m talking about is the connection that is often called “intimacy,” the connection that makes us feel safe, can make us feel comfortable sharing our bodies with others, and the connection that is a result of feeling seen, heard, and respected in our experiences.  Continue reading THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PAIN AND LOVE

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JUNE BIRTHDAY WISH

Hey guys! Just a post to let you know that your Denver BDSM coach is having a birthday in June! You all know how much I love to be active, and so this year I’m asking for donations for a new bike! Of course, you can always check my wishlist for other gifts I desire.

So, here’s the beauty I want. I don’t need any accessories. Email me to inquire about how to send donations! Please do not purchase the bike because chances are, I’ll end up with more than one.

Thanks in advance! Xoxoxo

 

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LEIGH RAVEN ASSAULT

This is probably the longest post I have ever written. If I ask myself why I have taken the time to write this, the answer is that women need to have a voice. In our society, women often do not have voices in regards to many things – not just assault. That being said, I can imagine the emotional turmoil that Leigh Raven is experiencing right now, and to expect her to defend her position is ludicrous. She needs time to process and heal, and the last thing she needs is to defend or explain her trauma. In this post I will analyze and break down the entire scene of the released shoot. 

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If you don’t know about the Leigh Raven sexual assault claim during a porn shoot with Rico Strong, you should. Continue reading LEIGH RAVEN ASSAULT

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SEX & DESIRE – PART I

Today I am going to write about sex and desire and how it pertains to relationships, control, and self-esteem. Let me start by clarifying my definition of sex. To me, sex is: Continue reading SEX & DESIRE – PART I

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THE GIFT OF SUBMISSION

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Submission is a gift. Submission is not something that Dommes are entitled to, and it is not something to be taken with force (unless of course there has been negotiation in regards to a role-play beforehand).

So, why is submission a gift? Continue reading THE GIFT OF SUBMISSION

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THE ART OF ROLE-PLAYING – FREE VIDEO CLIP INCLUDED

I was perusing my old videos (I like to make a lot of movies…with consent of course) – and I stumbled across a clip that made me want to write a post on the art of role-playing. Continue reading THE ART OF ROLE-PLAYING – FREE VIDEO CLIP INCLUDED

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THE SHUTTING DOWN OF BACKPAGE.COM

Continue reading THE SHUTTING DOWN OF BACKPAGE.COM

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IT’S OK TO PAY

Why it’s ok to pay:

I have a client, we’ll call him Ron, who I’ve known for a few years now. Ron and I have developed a loose friendship outside of our professional relationship -a friendship that consists of Continue reading IT’S OK TO PAY

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THANK YOU FROM YOUR DENVER DOMINATRIX

This Denver Dominatrix wants to offer a humble and heartfelt thank you to all of you who helped make my birthday wish come true. I could not have done it without you, and through your donations, I was able to contribute Continue reading THANK YOU FROM YOUR DENVER DOMINATRIX

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